Self love. A term I heard used as frequently when I was a young girl growing up.
It is still if not more significant now, as an adult and a mom. I have been feeling pretty low recently. My pretty low is way down there… I don’t like when I have to deal with my mental and physical issues, even more so since I have had Mila.
It’s an interesting maze to wind through in life when you have an anxiety issue or PTSD, or Bi Polar et al.
It gets ultra strange when you have a baby and you realize they are feeling the impact of these issues and starting to comprehend (in their own way) that Mommy is ‘not feeling well’. It’s still like winding through a maze – only this time you’re blindfolded and can’t fall because you are also holding a precious piece of your love. So, a bit weird.
For me I have found I don’t like my daughter to see that side of me. Not yet. I don’t know how to explain it and how it is also intertwined with my physical side as the two are always connected and in cahoots.
In spite of all this, I am forcing myself to write even though I don’t want to write. I WANT to put my head under the covers and binge watch Netflix while pretending the world around me doesn’t exist so that maybe, JUST maybe, my brain and body might recover.
Truth? Yes, I’ve done that & I still do from time to time. After I had Mila I had hormone nuttiness. I think it probably could be called/diagnosed as ‘Post Partum’, but when you have a little mental shit happening in your head before you are pregnant, it’s a tough call. Every single Mom I have ever talked to has at the very least said they have had the hormone nuttiness. Some people it hit right away…Some people it hit 6, 10 months into the new Mom job. Each of these Mothers that I spoke to talked about how this “additional nuttiness” can last. Sometimes it even just becomes a part of you and it slowly begins to weave itself into the layers of one’s braided emotions creating an extra new feeling.
Around the time Mila turned 6 months this amazing personality and mirror of Mommy started. It was and continues to be amazing! So much so that it can become an addiction, your whole life. A high off of your child. I was loving it. I still love it. Till one day my health stuff came trampling in whilst I was hanging with my sweet Gal and a huge Realistic Truth hit me. I can’t JUST go and hibernate under the covers with Netflix, or even write at that moment because my child needed/wanted me.
Now there have been times I have put her down in her crib after hours of crying, just to give me a 15 min breather, but this wasn’t that. We were just hanging. Just me and my daughter. I am the one who had this emotion whack me like a truck. Part of this realistic truth that hit was that what I was feeling had to be put aside. I am the Mom and a chronically ill one to boot. I have to forge forward for my daughter. The other part of this realistic truth was I also have to recognize that just because I have Mila, just because I am a Mom, does not mean I am not still me. The great fun stuff, my own dreams (as I have many) and these hard to handle emotional, mental things are still factors.
So here I am pushing myself to write in the hopes that this will help me to embrace what I am feeling. I learned a long time ago – you steer into the turn if you skid – you don’t hit the brakes and change directions… You’ll get yourself and everyone else injured.
Now, apply that to having a disease and that is where I am – you have found my reality.
Here’s the thing. The writing kinda works for me. As I type right now I start to feel a bit lighter, a bit better. If only for a time. Writing does that for me. As does Yoga and Pilates, which alas I am not currently allowed to do right now (doctor’s orders).
This started as a quick post intended to talk about ‘self love’. It still is about self love. Everything I have been speaking about reminds me how little I have been doing to properly love myself and that certain medications and limitations are getting to me.
As I am drawing a close to this post I am reprioritizing a few things.
This did make me feel a bit better. I know I am going to post it regardless of its raw not 3rd draft quality. I needed this to happen. Which leads me to start thinking – If I am feeling down, or having a hard day that turns into 3 hard days, just within myself – I need to rethink priorities and what I force myself to turn into a new habit. I must remember that just like before Mila, I let these emotions of my mind wash over me, instead of getting caught in the undertow. It took a long time to learn and understand that, but I finally did. Struggling leads to sadness and nothing getting done. Even though I am a Mom now, I still need to write, and I still need to handle those emotions that wash over me when this happens. I just need to adapt and find a way to incorporate everything. When you use the word ‘EVERYTHING’ it reads as a huge task. Even “Everything” takes time. I can be a Mom and Sara at the same time. It’s the Sara part of me I am still working on, but if I continue to handle what I do in the way I am trying to, things will be ok. Loving and Liking oneself is the key to being your best for you and everyone around you. It’s not changing who “you” used to be- simply a new amplified person.
I don’t know if this post will touch on something y’all relate to…I just had to get it out.
Never forget to make time for yourself and steer into the skid!
Never forget to make time for oneself and steer into the skid! much love.