I have found that we all go through times where, regardless of our religion, spirtuality or lack of assignment to any one specific belief – This time of year – particularly the next two weeks (the last two weeks of the year) people take stock. Whether we admit it to one another, or even ourselves, that doesn’t mean it isn’t there or shouldn’t be examined.
For instance, there have been years at the end of which I have wanted to avoid thinking of what I have accomplished or lack thereof – my goals etc. I just pretended they didn’t exist. Simply blocked it all out. In my case it was due to a fear of recognizing or acknowledging OUT LOUD what I might need to alter, even a little, within myself, to help me feel better. To be a better me. Not that I wanted to stay stunted – but facing what we fear can be frightening. Change is jarring. The list goes on…
My Birthday is coming up on the 31st of December and 2 years after this next birthday I shall know and unlock the answers to “..life the universe and everything”. Anyone who gets that reference written by a certain author, now knows how old I will be turning. I still stumble over saying my new age and it would appear writing it as well 🙂 .
This year I have decided I needed to be more aware. In my current new mom status, and with my health deteriorating, again, after I thought I had it under control I have found myself in need of what I have dubbed a ‘Spiritual Alignment’ so to speak.
To clarify, my health is always a bit chaotic. But I have worked hard to make it an organized chaos. I understood my health chaos map. It was clear to me. Now it is muddled again, and has new additions (diseases) in the mix.
Herein lies the rub. I feel that I have failed. I have failed my daughter, my husband and myself. I even feel as though I have failed “hope” itself as an ideal.
I have been terribly weepy at a time when “I should” feel joy. I have been sad and pouting about my health when “I should be grateful it isn’t worse”. I have wanted time to myself to deal with my new health diagnosis when “I should be interacting with my baby”. To spend that extra time, I take her to my doctor appointments, my husband too, and I feel terrible that my little one is seeing mommy in that capacity. I feel bad that my husband has to help in so many little and big ways and I feel like a failure due to health my restrictions when “I should be giving him thanks and making time for him and focusing on what I can do”. Instead, I’ve found myself whining about my pain. A valid and true pain – but a whine nonetheless.
When we keep the “I should’s” of our life in the front of our minds – It puts a spotlight on things in which we have either ‘created unrealistically attainable goals’ or “what society deems correct”.
However we are all unique individuals. Therefore a broad sweep of “shoulds” doesn’t always apply to our different and uniquely individual lives and yet, the pressure permiates.
This year, It is my goal, realistic goal – which in my definition means -taking action however long it takes. Not rushing, but a steady motion, even if it’s slow, as long as it’s forward motion and inward reflection – though not too much inward reflection at a time – because for me, that is where I get caught up starting to compare with the “unattainable” and begin to self-sabotage.
For me the first step in doing this is facing it. After that comes accountability. I cannot really think of a bigger step toward accountablilty than being transparent and vulnerable on a public medium. Guess I have checked that box with this post. And I will continue to check back and be accountable to the people who are interested in keeping me accountable. People who perhaps have the same desire to “realign themselves to be their best” in their own way, and follow along on my journey as it is a journey we take together, even if the specifics are different.
The biggest thing that I have found to truly help me – is a recent renewed aid. I have been doing it more and more lately. Actually it started more since I found out I was pregnant and increased exponentially since Mila was born without me even realizing it. Only recently has it become of conscience thought. I have not made an out loud statement about it, because I have still been figuring it out … Prayer. Now, some of you who know me well might be thinking, “Really? She’s always been a Universe/Vibe kinda gal” . Well, I must say as we change the hope is growth. Am I becoming a different person due to prayer? If so, it is a better person. Yet, I am still me. Still telling sardonic stories and coloring outside the lines. But why is there such a belief that the two things are mutually exclusive.
I am still a “Universe/Vibe kinda gal”. The same girl who was raised Jewish in a Jewish community. The same girl who was exposed to and raised around Catholic Churches and Communities.
For a while I was almost embarrassed to show that side of me. I minored in Religious Studies at my college. Learning as much about as many religions as I could.
You know what I found? Once you wade through the differences and extract the flowery language – the majority of religions speak of peace. Of private prayer. Being kind to oneself and each other and forgiveness for others and perhaps even more relevant, ourselves.
I first found my faith at the top of a mountain I climbed up (and eventually repelled down). Sitting at the edge of the mountain top, I marveled at the tree tops, the sky. I must have fallen into a meditative state because what I thought was a 10 min marveling at all of nature, was actually 2 hours. I found this out after one of the girls I was camping with quietly tapped my shoulder to tell me it was dinner time at the campsite.
I believe that while most of this post might come across as ‘dour’, it is actually a post wherein I am taking that first positive step toward forgiving myself.
To understand that hope has not given up on me, so I will not give up on Hope.
This is the end of the post, but the beginning of a journey. One that I hope and have good vibes that people will read this and watch my journey as I become a better mom. A woman who is kinder to herself. And a person who remembers more consistently that hope, prayer, vibes whatever you want to call it – are good things. Things to be proud of – and a place where I can find a peaceful alignment with myself and the world around me.
Let the restoration begin… And let that beginning have it’s start within me.