Self love. A term I heard used as frequently when I was a young girl growing up.
It is still if not more significant now, as an adult and a
mom. I have been feeling pretty low recently. My pretty low is way
down there... I don’t like when I have to deal with my mental
and physical issues, even more so since I have had Mila.
It’s an interesting maze to wind through in life when you have an anxiety issue or PTSD, or Bi Polar et al.
It gets ultra strange when you have a baby and you realize they
are feeling the impact of these issues and starting to comprehend (in
their own way) that Mommy is ‘not feeling well’. It’s still like winding
through a maze - only this time you’re blindfolded and can’t fall
because you are also holding a precious piece of your love. So, a bit
For me I have found I don’t like my daughter to see that side of
me. Not yet. I don’t know how to explain it and how it is also
intertwined with my physical side as the two are always connected and in
In spite of all this, I am forcing myself to write even though I
don’t want to write. I WANT to put my head under the covers and binge
watch Netflix while pretending the world around me doesn’t exist so that
maybe, JUST maybe, my brain and body might recover.
Truth? Yes, I’ve done that & I still do from time to time.
After I had Mila I had hormone nuttiness. I think it probably could be
called/diagnosed as ‘Post Partum’, but when you have a little mental
shit happening in your head before you are pregnant, it’s a tough call.
Every single Mom I have ever talked to has at the very least said they
have had the hormone nuttiness. Some people it hit right away...Some
people it hit 6, 10 months into the new Mom job. Each of these Mothers
that I spoke to talked about how this “additional nuttiness” can last.
Sometimes it even just becomes a part of you and it slowly begins to
weave itself into the layers of one’s braided emotions creating an extra
Around the time Mila turned 6 months this amazing personality and
mirror of Mommy started. It was and continues to be amazing! So much so
that it can become an addiction, your whole life. A high off of your
child. I was loving it. I still love it. Till one day my health stuff
came trampling in whilst I was hanging with my sweet Gal and a huge
Realistic Truth hit me. I can’t JUST go and hibernate under the covers
with Netflix, or even write at that moment because my child
Now there have been times I have put her down in her crib after
hours of crying, just to give me a 15 min breather, but this wasn’t
that. We were just hanging. Just me and my daughter. I am the one who
had this emotion whack me like a truck. Part of this realistic truth
that hit was that what I was feeling had to be put aside. I am the Mom
and a chronically ill one to boot. I have to forge forward for my
daughter. The other part of this realistic truth was I also have to
recognize that just because I have Mila, just because I am a Mom, does
not mean I am not still me. The great fun stuff, my own dreams (as I
have many) and these hard to handle emotional, mental things are still
So here I am pushing myself to write in the hopes that this will
help me to embrace what I am feeling. I learned a long time ago - you
steer into the turn if you skid - you don’t hit the brakes and change
directions... You’ll get yourself and everyone else injured.
Now, apply that to having a disease and that is where I am - you have found my reality.
Here’s the thing. The writing kinda works for me. As I type right
now I start to feel a bit lighter, a bit better. If only for a time.
Writing does that for me. As does Yoga and Pilates, which alas I am not
currently allowed to do right now (doctor’s orders).
This started as a quick post intended to talk about ‘self love’.
It still is about self love. Everything I have been speaking about
reminds me how little I have been doing to properly love myself and that
certain medications and limitations are getting to me.
As I am drawing a close to this post I am reprioritizing a few things.
This did make me feel a bit better. I know I am going to post it
regardless of its raw not 3rd draft quality. I needed this to happen.
Which leads me to start thinking - If I am feeling down, or having a
hard day that turns into 3 hard days, just within myself - I need to
rethink priorities and what I force myself to turn into a new habit. I
must remember that just like before Mila, I let these emotions of my
mind wash over me, instead of getting caught in the undertow. It took a
long time to learn and understand that, but I finally did. Struggling
leads to sadness and nothing getting done. Even though I am a Mom now, I
still need to write, and I still need to handle those emotions that
wash over me when this happens. I just need to adapt and find a way to
incorporate everything. When you use the word 'EVERYTHING' it reads as a
huge task. Even “Everything” takes time. I can be a Mom and Sara at the
same time. It’s the Sara part of me I am still working on, but if I
continue to handle what I do in the way I am trying to,
things will be ok. Loving and Liking oneself is the key to being
your best for you and everyone around you. It’s not changing who “you”
used to be- simply a new amplified person.
I don’t know if this post will touch on something y'all relate to...I just had to get it out.
Never forget to make time for yourself and steer into the skid!
Never forget to make time for oneself and steer into the skid!